[ July 28th, 2004 9:10pm ] [ mood | hopeful. ] i've grown bored. yet again. so anything that is really important to me will be posted at: www.livejournal.com/users/its_all_dead my friend's list will remain the same. thanks. (1) ♥ ♥

[ July 16th, 2004 11:48pm ] [ mood | bum-fuck exhausted. ] [ music | smash it up-the damned. ] why do i feel like i have busted a fuse? i hurt the person that lives inside of me. that person is starting to hurt me, too. its hard to keep something so strong under wraps. i feel the empty, i feel the minute of decay. its all coming back to me in terrible flashes. for the past couple of weeks now. i keep seeing those same things i used to see and feeling the things i used to feel. its this infectuous feeling. i never thought i'd see this person re-enter me. i got rid of her nearly 3 years ago. i'm not schizophrenic or anything, that's not what i'm saying. what i'm talking about is my dark side. we all have one, most people can keep it hidden. but like i said, mine is starting to take me over. i know that no pill i can be administered will fix this. no pair of arms wrapped around me will ease the pain. i don't think i can even fix this myself. not anymore. and pretending is proving to be a fading option. i can't keep clothing this monster with smiles and giggles. drain my fucking face of color. i have only a few moments in life to be happy about. and even those moments now, seem to be uninterested in me. i thought you were my friend. i know now that you look at me as a financial asset. it seems i have some sort of responsibility, a responsibility which i did not even ask for. at least in your eyes. not in mine. i work. i got up, went out and looked for a job. i'm not getting an abundance of hours, therefore i am not going to be making much money. i have to support myself here. i can't just be going out and giving my entire modest pay-check to whomever. a small amount to pay my dues, yes. the whole thing, hell no. my parents aren't going to pay for everything forever. nor do i want to live off of them forever. i can only say one thing and that this: never again. if i am going to have a price-tag attached to my ass for as long as i live, then never again. i make my own money now, and if you want some- i suggest you get out there and make it. forgive me for being harsh, but this isn't what friendship is supposed to feel like. i am constantly getting guilted, shit talked and ditched. i am fucking sick of it finally. so i really don't give a rat's ass who knows how i feel about all of this shit. that's exactly what it is: shit. who the hell are my friends, anyway? fuck, its sad in a world where your boyfriend and one other girl are your best friends. (you know who you are.) and then its like everyone else just runs off together and fucks you, talks shit, forgets you and pisses and moans because for once in your life you've found something/someone that makes you happy and they can't fucking stand it. WELL STAND IT. this is how it is. take it or leave it. shit, i'm to the point where i could lock myself in a deep freeze with ryan and a bag of cheetos and i'd be perfectly fucking content. i'm about sick of nearly all motherfuckers. calling me to nag me about shit and then hanging up. yeah, that wasn't slick. get a new fucking method. better yet, just leave it the fuck alone. i can't wait until caitlin and i start our business and move the hell out of garland. I CAN'T WAIT. i just want to get away from all of this bullshit that is surrounding me. a select few people are going to soon be finding themselves on my "fuck you" list if they don't straighten up and gain some fucking respect. i don't have time to deal with this bullshit, people. you know, i do have a fucking job, i do need to fucking sleep and then still have time to casually associate with the small number of people that i like anymore. is this a rant? YES. i do believe it is. if you don't like it, blow it out your ass. i am sick of being walked all over and used. so you can kiss my fucking ass and take a hike. (most of you have no idea what i am talking about. and if you don't, then its not towards you. so you need'nt worry. and i apologise.) i suppose today i will be at the lake with ryan, mandi, cory and jason. we'll see. if you need to talk to me, call the cell. only if you have something pleasant or otherwise constructive to say. i'm not answering the bitchathon-hotline all day long. (5) ♥ ♥

[ July 10th, 2004 11:32pm ] [ mood | dead. ] [ music | watching swingers ] a) i finally got my driver's license in the mail today. which means: 1)i can get into the lounge again. 2) i don't have to cart that ugly paper one around anymore. though, my license card doesn't look too much better. 3) i can once again buy my own cigarettes. b) i now work at hot topic in valley view mall. tonight was my first shift. well, 8-11 at night is hardly a shift, but i learned how to close, folded a shit load of shirts, turned hangers, swept, greeted, used that horrible hooky thing to get stuff off the top rack with... the whole to-do. tiring, yes. worth it, yes. its not bad. i actually kind of enjoyed it. i suppose i did a good job, a customer hugged me! haha. c) spent nearly all of friday with my mother. the real one, kids. i love her so much, and i have such great respect for my step-father. he is so good to my mother, and so friendly to me. we went and ate at pancho's, my mom put gas in my car and then gave me an extra few dollars. i may be going to six-flags with her tomorrow, but i don't know yet. i am even moreso in love with ryan after friday. since he so graciously volunteered himself to come with me to see my mother, and then even acted like a respectable human being while with them... i love that boy. i swear. i am not letting go of this one, EVER. it meant so much to me that he was so there for me through that. i could cry just thinking about it, that was probably the nicest thing anyone has ever done for me. better than free concert tickets, better than hugs and kisses, better than anything. that he knew how much it meant to me to be able to be with my family, and actually cared and gave enough of a shit to give up everything else he could have been doing just to ride over there with me, eat dinner and visit. thank you so much for being so amazing, ryan. i love you more than you know. d) i have a goddamned stye in my eye. it hurts, but what's more is that is ITCHES. and i can't scratch it with out it HURTING. so i am fucked, fucked, fuck a ducked. anyone know of any good ways to get rid of styes? PLEASE LET ME KNOW! i am dying here! i can't even blink without pain/itching. negatives for tonight iclude: basically being ditched. the stye. my feet now hurt. and no ryan today & no caitlin. WHERE ARE YOU? positives for tonight include: good first day at work. driving myself to taco bell for late night munchies. and talking with bobby again. i'm off to bed here soon, bonvoyage. or however the hell that word is spelled. (6) ♥ ♥

[ June 28th, 2004 5:01pm ] [ music | happy house::siouxsie and the banshees. ] caitlin: my hair did fine over night. i woke up this morning and it was still rock hard. i got honked at 3 times on the way to school. when i arrived at school i was surrounded by people asking me how i got it to stick up like this, to them i replied: "voodoo." aka elmer's school glue. haha. everyone wanted to touch it. it was kind of annoying, but i guess that's what you deal with when you decide to do extreme hair-styles. i got that a lot with my dreads, too. i will definitely do this again. but i have to take it down before friday, mommy won't let me get my license picture taken with "outrageous" hair. thank you again for doing it. and call me soon, miss! ;) do you remember where i put my daddy's comb? he's looking for it, and mother is pissed at me. so yeah, all that post really was was a message to caitlin and this: (3) ♥ ♥

[ June 28th, 2004 12:05am ] [ music | the holy bible::manic street preachers. ] caitlin is the shit. have i mentioned this lately? not only did she burn me a lovely array of kick ass cds, she took the time to sit and liberty spike my hair. ♥. wow. i love this girl. ryan, caitlin and i aimlessly drove around for a while tonight, ended up at starbucks. nothing too fire-worky, but fun in the least. i always have fun with them. together or apart. watch out caitlin, i might "steal" you. let me just mention something about theft of a person. a) people are not posessions, therefore they cannot be stolen. b) if people were in fact posessions capable of being stolen, they couldn't be stolen without their consent. because, i don't know if you've noticed this but, people tend to stick with people that they like. not people that are assholes, bitches or people that have generally shitty attitudes that in turn make them want to claw out their eyes. unless you know, they're stupid. and then its their own damn fault. PEOPLE CAN'T BE STOLEN. in conclusion. so quit'cha bitchin. plus, i'm like 100 times cooler than you. you psuedo defective leech. had to get out that rant. and no, its not directed towards anyone who is included on my friends list. wow, my uterus hurts. its time for bed. seven fifty in the AM here i come. shit. ♥ ♥

[ June 26th, 2004 7:02pm ] [ music | serial killer::terminal choice. ] i haven't updated. not much to say at this point. only 4 more days left of summer school, 3 quarters to finish. think i can do it? oh, i will. i just have to get motivated to finish those fucking current events and write that essay. my entire english quarter is complete bullshit. i bullshitted on the explanations for the current events i actually already have done. there is just bullshit everywhere when it comes to my education. i'll get out. eventually. this just means that i have to go back in august for a couple of weeks/a month to finish my credits. which will put me behind in all of my other future plans, but at least i am sticking it out and getting the diploma. i could have stayed dropped out. i could have chose to sit on my ass and do nothing with my life. but here i am. and how lovely it is. (if you can smell the sarcasm, raise your hand.)i haven't even decided which school i am going to go to. it seems that everyone decided to do the exact same thing i wanted to do. so i have to pick a school where i won't be with anyone i know. maybe ogle. i don't know. the gay guy at m.a.c suggested that i go to ogle. i passed my driving test at all american. now i have to go and take the test at dps, then i can get my license. the dps test is retarded. i'm eighteen years old, why do i need an additional test? i am no different than a fifteen or sixteen year old that went through driver's ed, yet they only have to take the test at all american. what the fuck is that all about? hopefully i can pass the damned thing. if they take me on the highway i'm fucked. that's all i can really say about that. at least i am prepared for the dissapointment. aaaand! i'm getting sick. cough, short of breath from the cough, runny nose. gahdammit. maybe its because i have been smoking a lot more than usual lately. i calmed down for a while, but then i started to develop a twitch. so i'm smoking chimney like again. if ryan and caitlin are going to have cancer, dammit so will i. haha. speaking of caitlin: i love you! ♥ finally got back into contact with this chick and we have been having fun. wish i could have been at warped with her today. [frown] but i'm a poor ass nigga. so here i sit. waiting for someone to friggin call me! shite! i think the things that were getting twisted up in my little life are untangling- which means i don't have to go crazy or anything. well, crazier. i'm already pretty crazy. this coming sunday(july.4)is ryan's birthday and i think my parents are going to try to make me go out of town to my grandma's for a "belated father's day." how about NO. i refuse to miss the first birthday belonging to my boyfriend that i am around for. REFUSE. BFD can kiss my ass. the end. (6) ♥ ♥

[ June 21st, 2004 7:33pm ] [ mood | whatever. ] i got sick of sitting around waiting for the phone to ring. sooooooo... i am out with the cait-a-lin! ♥ ♥ ♥

[ June 20th, 2004 6:14pm ] Slander! chrystopher has thighs like tree trunks, and bonafidexrarity knows it well... victiminpain has the last piece of Aztec gold. terrible_thing has secret, sordid fantasies about fuck_your_fans and acts them out with neutra! hotpink_corset, chrystopher and wexican are involved in a sordid love-triangle, with none_so_vile totally unaware! hotpink_corset collects other people's underwear - and has some from neutra and none_so_vile! emilykicksass performed a "sexual act" upon neutra in a public toilet! Enter your username to dish the dirt on your friends! this is hillarious, most everyone on my friends list do not know eachother. (2) ♥ ♥

let me turn my back. it will be easier to stab. [ June 20th, 2004 5:44pm ] [ mood | bored.tired.angry. ] [ music | none. ] i woke up to eat lunch with my family and give my dad his father's day gifts. then i went back to bed. i didn't get up till nearly six. for some reason, i feel incredibly shitty. almost like i want to kill someone. i almost feel like everything around me is falling down and i can't really stop it. i feel invaded. i feel threatened. i feel angry. this weekend has been almost completely pointless and shitty. friday night i get stuck at some fucking house with a bunch of morons, and my boyfriend's ex. just as i suspected, there were plans for them. made by other people of course. i won't really go into it, because i don't feel like it right now. but i completely refuse to ever go back over there, or associate with certain people that were there. and i hold true to what i said. if that fucking bitch comes anywhere near him, i will kill her. i will. i am not kidding. she needs to back the fuck off. stop calling, stop being around. stop existing all together. i am sick of feeling like second place to that bitch because most everyone we hang around with thinks she is so much better for ryan just because of the way she looks. i guess a good personality and shit isn't enough. because i'm not blonde with huge tits, money and a car- i can't compete. i'm sick of holding in that i feel this way. i really am. and i can't/won't do it anymore. i am not going to let it eat me up inside anymore. if she is going to be there, i'm not. forget it. i will not be around her. if he goes around her, i will be PISSED. but, i don't really have a say in it. since i don't like to control people. i'm just waiting for something even shittier to happen. that sounds terrible, but hey. why lie? i'm sick of feeling like there is a conspiracy going on. like certain people are trying to bring them back together... behind my back if possible. and i'm supposed to chill out? i'm not supposed to worry or feel like i am being fucked? what the hell ever. nearly all day saturday, ryan and i napped. we woke up at nearly one.am and his dad took me home. i came home, and went straight back to bed. and now...here i sit. what a wonderful weekend, huh? i want my id back so bad. i miss the lounge. i have to go back. fuck molly. if she is there, whatever. i really don't care anymore. if she wants to try and start a contest with me, then that's her deal. i don't give a shit. i don't need to have re-affirmation of who is better. i don't like it, not at all. i don't like that she is going. i hate it, actually. but what can i do? she isn't going to stop me from hanging out with people i love and having fun. nope. not her. not anyone. i've noticed lately that i'm gaining weight. this has to stop. and it will. i'm still waiting on my hair. i'll put it in when it gets here... but i've decided that after a while, if i get bored with it... i am going to grow out my natural hair and bleach it again. then put some other color in with it. don't know why i'm thinking about this. but i have been a little bit. beh. i don't know. i'm just sick of looking like me. if i do like my new hair, i'll leave it. and probably get some more in other colors. well, i'm bored. so if anyone wants to do anything, let me know. ♥ xo. (2) ♥ ♥

[ June 15th, 2004 10:55pm ] [ mood | amused. ] [ music | flames-vast. ] ( dan quayle is a fucking pig head. these things make me hate ignorant people even more. but gahdamn, they're funny. ) (2) ♥ ♥

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